Just Love.

"Those who cannot feel the littleness of great things in themselves, are apt to overlook the greatness of little things in others."

-Kakuzo Okakura

 

It's Day 17 today of my Attitude of Gratitude journey and it has been quite a ride. I really appreciate people who take the time and read through my Facebook status day in and day out throughout the ride. Truly, thank you. This came around when I decided I wanted to live life in Gratitude for everything. It was something I felt I needed to accomplish for myself.

And today is all about Choosing to Love.

Being an artist is a strange and sometimes alienating experience for some. I used to feel as if I were alone; that it is only through my works in short stories, poetry, songs and other arts that I truly get to communicate who I really was to other people. That's the thing with artists that I guess I see know: they spend so much time in their solitude to create something that reveals so much of themselves. That is why I take much pride in the things that I create, no matter how bad others might perceive of them, they will never quite get that it is extremely special to me; simply because it is something that I created out of my love, passion and courage. 

For an artist, especially when it comes to writing songs, I usually wait for my eureka moment. It is that moment when a certain idea falls off the heavens, seemingly, and lands on my lap for me to understand, nurture and give life. Songs that come along that way are extremely special to me. Those are the works that I am truly proud of, simply because it was created with so much innocence. I love innocent songs; they for me sound the most real. My best songs were beautifully made, but it was almost accidental.

Inspiration. That's the word. A stroke of brilliance. For me it is a moment in time when I feel mostly in the now. Other people seek thrills in extreme sports; I feel most alive when I create something beautiful. And it is all good. 

At the end of the day I feel wonderful. Like I've done something good, and the Universe is nodding his head, in approval. 

But there are times when I wait for inspiration, and it doesn't come. I strum hours with the guitar, with a pen in my hand, and all I can create are covers of songs I've sung a hundred times over and over. Sometimes, I feel like the only time I feel most alive is when it happens accidentally. 

Of course, I felt awful. I felt like I had been a missing the point. I was beginning to doubt my own space as an artist, and my own talents as a musician. And nothing is worse that a musician whose confidence is shattered. You can practically hear my sorrow and fear in every note. And it didn't sound good. 

It took me some time and some effort to regain confidence in myself. Actually, it took a lot of coaching, talking, self-processing and rediscovering in and out the programs of OCCI (Organizational Change Consultants International) to help me realize something I've forgotten: why I love to make music. 

I write simply because I love. And what I love creates joy. That completed me. 

With this in mind, I had to let go of all those negative belief systems that plagued me before: that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't talented enough, I didn't have what it takes to make it here or anywhere, that I this and I that...it wasn't working for me anymore. I asked myself: why would I allow these beliefs to run my life, when clearly they are not working for me? They are not helping my relationships? They aren't helping me with my purpose in God's eyes? It was non negotiable. I had to let them go. 

Problems are always going to be there. People will always try to shut you down and make you feel bad. That's a given. This life isn't perfect, and we do have to surrender to the truth that there are only so little things we have absolute control over. We can't control people who decide to hurt us, but we can control how we respond and how we feel about them. We can't control the weather and how the rains and floods would affect our homes, but we can control how we react to the situation, choosing to have hope and love than to have despair. We do not have control over what other people think of us, but we do have control of how we see ourselves. That my brother or sister, or whoever you are, stranger or friend, is the most valuable lesson. How do you achieve this? Just choose to love. Everything else, becomes easy.

Now, despite what others might say, it doesn't weigh me down anymore. I know my life sings of courage and love, and that is my highest truth.